7 Strategies To Stay Calm When Interacting With People You Don't Like.

7 Strategies To Stay Calm When Interacting

With People You Don't Like.

In a perfect world, each human we interacted with would be considerate, mindful, prompt, kind, generous and more. They'd get our jokes and we'd get theirs. No one would ever be cross, snippy, ruffled or anything less than convivial. 

Of course we all know this is not a perfect world. And imperfections all around us are what keep things interesting. That said, I guarantee that most of us frequently come across people who make us tick, or seem to trigger negativity in us for whatever reason. Sometimes we know why, sometimes we don't. Sometimes understanding the negative dynamic makes it easier, other times it seems irrelevant.

Regardless of the particulars, it's important to accept that many people in life that we interact with won't be as considerate, as mindful, as prompt or as kind as we'd like. Inevitably, we too will rub a few people the wrong way. 

In these cases, we may simply choose to accept that we can't get along with everyone ever. But it's also possible to talk with and work alongside people we don't like; in fact, it's a great learning experience for setting boundaries, and being compassionate with both ourselves and others.

Here are seven tips for navigating those tricky relationships, and to remain calm, present and authentic to ourselves in the process: 

1. Appreciate the power of the pause.

For most of us (myself very much included) the moment someone says something that offends me or does something otherwise inconsiderate, I've formed an opinion. I try not to be judgmental of course, but sometimes you just can't help it. When someone's actions or words trigger me, I tend to fast forward: I'll find myself imagining how a project to turn out poorly, how they'll screw up a partnership, how they'll offend clients.

Because of the very fact that there's infinite potential to fast forward your thoughts into the negative, let's take a moment to collectively remember the power of pausing.

Take a deep breath and one big step back. Now think of what that simple gesture could do for you in a tough interaction. Before you jump to any conclusions, try making a conscious decision to put the judgment on hold for a second. From this pause, you'll be better able to proceed with a mind and heart that are at least slightly more open. 

2. Honor your ability to stay neutral.

Once we've decided we "don't like" someone, it is so, so easy to view every last thing they do through a lens of negativity: "Look at her! Grabbing those tea bags like she is a professional barista!"

Remember that the person you don't like is not an intrinsically bad human. He/she is someone's child. He/she is probably someone's spouse or parent. People love him/her and look forward to their emails.

You don't have to love this person, but realize the difference between "not connecting" with someone and actively nursing a grudge toward them. It can feel like getting your feathers ruffled is the easiest option when something or someone triggers you. But ultimately, negativity totally becomes a vicious cycle and makes things worse. Remember: your ability to stay neutral really is there inside of you. So honor it.

3. Ask "What if ...?"

Any question beginning with the words "What if ..." is a powerful one. It allows you to see any situation according to its infinite alternatives. It goes without saying that in a situation or interaction you perceive as negative, there is inevitably a way to see a positive spin — even if it's just that you can learn from the challenging aspects.

So look for the good, and not in a cliché way. Really tune into the present situation and consider alternatives. Make a conscious effort to note and acknowledge your trigger-person's strong suits. Does he/she always pull his weight in group projects? Is he/she patient with questions? When you notice these more positive alternatives, point them out to yourself.

4. Create some space for yourself.

If you're really, really struggling with this person, allow yourself to take some space. Go work in another room, sit at the other end of the conference table, mingle in other circles at the networking event. You can also give yourself psychological space; realize you don't need to respond to his comments in the big, group email. You're not required to take part in the discussions he/she initiates. This time and space will be healing, and prepare you to be better able to deal with the person and/or situation that is stressing you out.

5. Maintain those boundaries.

If this person causes you to feel exactly the same way every time you engage with him/her, think about how you can create boundaries that will keep you sane. If he/she's always alluding to making tons of money (while you are potentially feeling some financial stress), politely tell him/her that your New Year's resolution is to limit money conversations to your accountant.

If someone asks too many personal questions, you can tell them. If they're always irritating you with their political or religious diatribes, kindly tell them you're avoiding conversations about these sorts of hot-button topics for right now.

6. Give people the benefit of the doubt (or at least pretend you are).

This one's simple (but not necessarily the easiest). For instance, if someone cuts you in line, try saying this: "Oh no! You must not have realized that the line starts back there. It's not totally clear!" That way, the other person has a chance for redemption (after all, we can all be careless now and again). 

Of course, you needn't do this every single time someone "screws up," but extending a bit of grace and generosity to people (whether it's real or a result of "faking it") is beneficial. Not only is it a better idea to assume first that someone simply didn't realize there was a line, for example, but it will make you feel less stirred up and stressed out. 

7. Realize that what you don't like in others is frequently what you don't like in yourself.

Ooof. That's hard to hear, isn't it? But if we're being real, that person's inclination to be late or interrupt or make awkward jokes is often tied to our fears about our own sense of humor or tardiness.

So before you add someone to your Don't Like List, take a moment to consider what exactly you are clinging to about them. What do these things say about you? Are there any connections you can make? Get curious, and radically honest.

It's doubtful that you will like everyone you meet. But with a bit of perspective and empathy, you'll be able to navigate life as if unfazed.

You can find the original Mind Body Green article here: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17839/7-tricks-to-stay-calm-when-interacting-with-people-you-dont-like.html

36 Questions away from True Love.

Are YOU ready for ‘The True Love Quiz’?

The 36 Questions that the original couple were required to ask each other are listed below.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? If yes, in what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? If yes Why?

4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? What about to someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance: "We are both in this room feeling . . . . . . "

26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share . . . . . . . . . . . “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be and Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. 

RDNLP The Movie!

I decided to have a little bit of fun with the powerpoint men before they get phased out altogether and to that end may I present 'RDNLP The Movie!'

Seriously Simple Action Planning

Around a week ago I got an e-mail from a client asking me really simple action plan / to do list.
After a few days searching through folders on my laptop I came up with this.

My client seemed to like it and so I thought I'd like to share it with you.

It is not S.M.A.R.T. for which he was grateful but it is holistic.






If you would like some help putting together and sticking to you plan, please feel free to contact me on russell@rdnlp.co.uk.

I wish you all happy planning and much success.

SELF ADVERTISING

Every Positive Thought Is A Change For The Better!

Every Positive Thought Is A Change For The Better!

Have you ever had one of those deep and meaningful conversations where somebody's trying to convince you that every less than good thing that happens in your life is your fault?

Your negative attitude, your skewed perspective, your lack of emotional intelligence, you are even what you eat.

If you are big enough to take all that on the chin, imagine what training yourself to accept flipside of that coin might do you. What if every piece of good fortune that you have ever had is also completely down to you. Both concepts have been around for decades, both having occasional resurgences as one celebrity or another 'discovers' them for the first time.

"Universal Ordering", "the Secret", "You Can Heal Your Life", you can find lots of different labels for the very same jam.

Not that this matters you understand, if the jam is to your taste and it does what it says on the jar, well then of course you should use it.

The science and psychology behind it, stated not simply is; that whatever you set mind on you will notice more of, and if what you are noticing more of is something that you want, then the greater the chances are of your being able to take advantage of any opportunity that present itself.

Let's say for instance you get into your head that you want to buy a maroon coloured Lexus car, because you have only ever seen one in a magazine, but never on the road, so you feel that it would stand out. Sod's law states that whilst that idea is in your head maroon coloured Lexus cars will be coming out of the woodwork everywhere you look. 

This is not necessarily the universe agreeing with your decision but you noticing more what's on your mind. The cars were always there, you just were not noticing them.

 It's at this point that I get asked "Why doesn't it work with money?".

 When most people think about money, they are usually focusing on the absence of it from their lives. If, as a premise, you accept that you get more of what you think about or focus on. Then it stands to reason that all you will get by focusing on a lack of money is a continued if not increased lack of money in your life.

So if you're able to practice shifting your focus from what you don't have and want, to expressing gratitude for what you do have and get, you will attract more for which you can be grateful.

No one is saying it's easy, if it were I would be writing this blog for my mansion in California. Fear, doubt and failure are easier to focus on because we have had lots more practice at it.

The key from a Coaching point of view is threefold:

• Exploration; of your current thought patterns and what their positive intentions might be.
• Installation; of new and positively worded thought patterns that still fulfil the positive intentions of the previous patterns.
• Appreciation; when you do get what you want, even a little bit of what you want, be grateful. The universe appreciates your Gratitude.

If you would like to find out more about how Coaching can get you more of what you want then please leave a comment below or contact me on russell@rdnlp.co.uk

What Are Your Answers To The Turning Point Questions?

Of late I have had a lot of conversations where, at some point, the client will say 
"but I really don't need any help with anything!"

At which point I'll ask;
TPQ 1 "So are you saying that there is no area or aspect of your life that you feel could be improved right now?"

A few, the lucky few, will say something like;
"No! everything is cool." I offer those few my heartfelt congratulations and wish them well.

The majority however respond with something along the lines of;
"Well I don't know about that, there's always room for improvement."
Replies of this kind pave the way for;
TPQ 2 "What do you think might be stopping you from taking action to make those improvements now?"

The answers are as wide and varied as the people being questioned but the top three answers usually revolve around Time, Money or Fear.

To be honest, my favorite response of the month so far has been;
"Well . . . . . . it's kinda not really MY problem, ya know!"
How I dealt with that one is the topic of a whole other blog post.

If you are interested in exploring your answers to the Turning Point Questions or you would just like to talk about the aspects of your life that you would like to improve:

• Job/Career
• Handling Fears/Phobias
• Wants, Needs, Shoulds
• Lack of Confidence
• Health
• Relationships

please leave a comment below or get in touch on russell@rdnlp.co.uk