The LeRoy Tales
Over the next few months or so I plan to share with you some stories of my time working with probation clients. The stories take place in a number of unspecified locations over unspecified period of time and the clients names have been changed in the innocent (until proven guilty).
Chapter Two
Session No2 and the gentlemen file in, in a slightly less jovial mood than their first attendance. I notice that we appear to be 3 men down; Hassan, Kevin and Chandra are not in the room.
I ask the guys if anyone knows where our missing members are and from the back of the room.
Jimmy pipes up with “I don’t know about Kev and Chandra but Hassan is back inside bruv”.
Me: “Really! . . . . . . . . . What the hell did he do?”
Jimmy: “Had a pop at some geezer with a machete, left the guy in intensive care and he’s up for attempted murder in it.”
Iqbal: “Fatwa!”
Jimmy: “Who you calling a fat twat, lardy. Are looking for a slap?”
Iqbal: “Not fat twat, Fatwa!”
Jimmy: “Ya lost me!”
Peter: “A Fatwa is like an Islamic contract killing or assassination”.
Iqbal: “Exactly”
Jimmy: “Islamic ninjas, that’s f_ _ked up man”.
Peter: “I fail to see why you’re so surprised, every major culture throughout history has had its own cult of fanatical killers”
Jimmy: “Alright Bamber you’ve had your starter for ten now wind your neck in”
Me: “OK people times a wasting so here’s what I want you to do. Grab a sheet of flipchart paper each and a marker pen. Write your name at the top and below that write down what you want goal wise, the big picture version, stated as a positive sentence. I’ve put examples of positive statements on the wall over there. Below your positive statements I want you to write the five point breakdown of the statement that you will have all completed as homework. While you are doing that . . . .QUIETLY, I’m going to see if the powers that be know any more about Kevin and Chandra than you guys”
I return 5 minutes later and am surprised to find that pretty much everyone has completed the task as requested.
LeRoy: “So what up with Kev and Chandra bruv!”
Me: “I’ll tell you at the end of the session if we get through everything that we need to today . . . . .Alright?”
LeRoy (smiling): “That’s cold man”
Me: “The temperature of an interaction is a matter of perspective”
Peter: “Say that again, I want to write it down”
LeRoy: “Dude! . . . . . . . . . . . Seriously?"
Peter: “Yeah! . . . . . . . . . . . problem?”
LeRoy: “What does that even mean anyway?”
Peter: “It means that you choose how you react to what people say to you”
LeRoy: “Well Duh!”
Me: “So the next time the Polish guy outside the job centre decides to call you a ‘know nothing, sponging black bastard’; you can choose to leave the can of whup ass on the shelf”
Andy (laughing): “Yeah, that’ll be the day”
LeRoy (laughing): “So what you saying man, a nigger can’t change”
Me: “Yes well moving swiftly on. What’s left of today’s session is going to be about planning.
Andrew: “Action Planning?”
Andy (laughing): “It speaks”
Me: “Not really, we can get to the more formal box filling type of planning in a later session. For now I’d like to try and find out how you guys think”
I move my small desk into a more central position and ask the group to move their chairs into a rough circle around it.
Andy: “Oooo! Are we going to sing camping songs?”
Peter (laughing): “No because that would be in tents”
Once everyone had settled I reached into my bag and pulled out a pack of cards.
Andrew: “So we are going play cards?”
Me: “After a fashion mate yeah!”
I start to deal the pack out to the group and they all pick up their cards and start sorting them into some sort of order.
Me: “OK Andrew, what game do you think we are going to play?”
Andrew (shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head): “How should I know?”
Me: “Well what I’m curious about is how, not knowing what game we are going to play, you’ve all started sorting your cards out. Now I’m not a card player but to my mind there is only two ways of sorting them; numerically and or by suit . . . . . . .Right?.
General murmurs of agreement.
Me: “So without even realising it, all of you have made plans to play a certain game. Everybody still with me”
Group: “Yeah!”
Jimmy: (very straight faced) “Yeah! But could you say it again please because Peter wants to write it down.”
Peter flips the bird.
Me: “Gentlemen . . . . . . . . . . . . if you please. Let’s go around and without telling me what your cards are, say how you have sorted your cards and what game you hoped to play. If you sorted them numerically just say ‘N’ and name the game, if you sorted by suit say ‘S’ and name the game. If you sorted by suit and then sorted numerically within each suit say ‘S’ & ‘N’ and name the game. I’ll start the ball rolling then . . . . . . . . ‘S’ + ‘N’ Poker”
Andrew: “The same, ‘S’ + ‘N’ Poker”
Andy: “Yep! ‘S’ + ‘N’ Poker”
Iqbal: “‘N’ Black Jack”
Andy: “What’s Blackjack?”
Peter: “21s you pleb”
Andy: “What’s a pleb, another bleeding international assassin? I mean I’m all for inner city cultural diversity and all that but f_ _k me the buggers are everywhere”
Peter: “Sweet Jesus I give up”
Me: “Cards Peter?”
Peter: “’N’ Black Jack”
Andy: “Is that like 21s?”
Group: “Shut Up Andy!”
LeRoy: “‘S’ + ‘N’ Poker”
James: “‘S’ + ‘N’ Poker”
Me: “Jimmy”
Jimmy: “Huh?”
Me: “Cards Mate”
Jimmy: “Sorry . . . . . . ‘S’ + ‘N’ Gin”
Group (laughing): “Shut Up Andy”
Andy (laughing): “Whaaaaaat!”
Me: “OK Poker players, what made you think that we were going to play Poker?”
Andy: “Because we is man dem init!”
Me: “Because Poker’s a man’s game”
Andy: “Yeah!”
Me: “No girls allowed”
LeRoy (smirking): “Not unless it’s Strip Poker ya get me”
Me: “So five of you concluded that we were going to play Poker on the basis on a gender driven predilection?”
Andrew: “If you say so professor”
Me: “And what about the 3 Black Jack players. What’s going on for you, what made you think that we were going to play Black Jack?”
Iqbal: “Coz we’ve only got 20 minutes left and Black Jack is quick to play”
Me: “OK time out – Iqbal if I asked you to point to your past where would you point?
Iqbal, using his right hand points to his left, slightly over his left shoulder.
Me: “Good and what about the future, where’s that?”
Iqbal (pointing with his right hand in front and to the right): “Why?”
Me: “Ah typical ‘in time’ practicality”
Iqbal: “Why? . . . . . . . What? . . . . . . is there something wrong me with me.”
Me: “No, no, nothing wrong with you at all but the explanation would take too long. Just trust me it’s a good thing”
Iqbal: “Awww Man! You’re a worse tease than my girlfriend”
Me: “Thank you and moving on; Jimmy what made you think of Gin Rummy?”
Jimmy: “It’s the only game that I’m good at”
Me: “Thinking about playing to your skills, playing to win.”
Jimmy: “No point otherwise bruv”
Me: “OK so let’s recap; 5 of you sorted your cards in response to some form of gender bias.
3 of you were considering time constraints and 1 of you was playing to your skills set."
Andy: “And we still don’t know what the f_ _k we are playing”
LeRoy: “That’s a point, what are we playing Russ man?”
Me: “I’ll tell you after the break”
LeRoy (smirking): “Is that you channelling Iqbal’s girlfriend again?”
Me: “Just 5 minutes this time blokes because we’re running kinda late.
LeRoy: “And whose fault is that geezer?”
Me: “Kevin, Chandra and Hassan’s I suppose”
Andy: “Men can be sooooooo selfish”
Me: “And on that note, BREAK . . . . . 4 mins and 30 seconds left.”
8 minutes later the group return, check that their cards are the same and lean forward in anticipation of the long awaited game of cards.
LeRoy: “So what game we playing bruv?”
Andy: “Poker init blood?”
Me: “Nope, Snap!”
LeRoy: “Snap!”
Andy: “F_ _k right off!”
Peter: “Dude . . . . . have a word with yourself”
Me: “Right come on then campers, let’s be having you, times a wasting”
I slap down the first card and approximately 48 seconds mayhem ensues, at the end of which Andy emerges victorious.
Group (laughing): “Fix Fix Fix”
Andy: “Shut up the lot of ya. How can you fix Snap you numpties. I won using my Fatwa ninja assassin skills init”
Peter: “So what was actually the point of all that big man?”
Me: “What do you mean Peter?”
Peter: “Come off it geez you know you don’t have us do anything without some kind of ulterior motive”
LeRoy: “Yeah man, fess up!”
Me: “Alright you got me! In the game of Snap that we just played, did any of you have any sort of game plan?”
Group (unanimously): “No!”
Me: “So how does the winner set about winning the game?”
The group looks at Andy
Andy: “Whaaaat!”
Me: “Not just Andy, how would anybody plan to win at Snap?”
Iqbal: “You can’t plan, it’s all down to reaction speed. See it, do it, grab it”
Me: “See it, Do it, Grab it. Cool. So what’s the big difference between games like Poker, Black Jack, Gin Rummy and Snap?”
Peter: “With Poker, Black Jack, Gin Rummy you have to think and plan ahead”
Iqbal: “But with Snap you don’t think so much as react”
Me: “Brilliant. Now which game do you feel commands the most respect as a rule.
Andy & LeRoy: “Poker”
Me: “So would it be safe to say that demonstrating that you can assess your assets, think, plan and implement strategies will get you more respect that simply reacting to a situation.”
The group nods as one.
LeRoy: “Not to be dense but when did we do the assess our assets bit. What assets?”
Me: “When you checked your cards, you assessed the value of what you had and the likely of getting what you need, in relation to the game that you hoped to play.”
Andy (looking smarmy): “Is that why when we don’t do all that it’s called making a Snap decision”
Group groans.
Me: “You lot may well groan but he’s far from wrong. Thinking back over your warnings, cautions, convictions etc . . . How many of them came as a result of you simply reacting to a situation rather than checking your hand to see if it was worth playing.”
LeRoy: “Pretty much all of mine. Shit man that is so true!"
Me: “How many of you would consider putting the fact that you can carry out needs assessments, think creatively, plan and implement strategies down on an application form, CV or speculative letter.”
Andy: “It’s going on mine as soon as I get in”
Peter: “Yeah, like you even know what a CV is”
Andy flips Peter the bird.
Me: “OK given that the session is nearly over, can you guess what I have planned next?”
James: “Homework”
Me: “Smile when you say that stranger. Yep! Homework. Just as you would think, plan and strategise about needing a King for a flush or another three for 2 pair, I want you to further breakdown your plans as follows:
I draw the groups attention to an exercise on the flipchart:
Plan Title: “ “
5 Point Breakdown
Goal 1:
What this will do for me:
Goal 2:
What this will do for me:
Goal 3:
What this will do for me:
Goal 4:
What this will do for me:
Goal 5:
What this will do for me:
Me: “Does everybody understand what I’m asking you to do regarding your plans?"
James: “You want us to mitigate our demands by justifying their relevance to the overall plan”
The group all turn and look at James with a uniformly raised eyebrow.
LeRoy: “DAMN!!! James you kiss your mother that mouth”
Andy: “Dats wot I’m talking about boyeee!”
Peter: “Yeah man, who rebooted your hard drive?”
Me: “Very impressive James and yes that is exactly what I mean. Right we are running a little late and I can see the next group at the door. I want to see what each of your 5 Goals is going to do for you in relation to your plan as a whole, by next week please. Sign the register on your way out, if you see Chandra or Kevin let them know they have until next week to call me if they want to change their minds and wish to continue with the group.”
Iqbal: “Didn’t you say that you would tell us what happened to them?”
Me: “Yes I did didn’t I but we are out of time right now, so I’ll tell you next time or if they come back you can ask them yourselves.”
Iqbal: “Are you sure you are not related to my girlfriend?”
Andy (laughing): “Iqbal man if your girlfriend is six foot plus with a goatee you need to ditch that ugly bitch and move on, ya feel me blood.”
Me: “Cheers Guys and Stay Out of Trouble”
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